Sleeping with Anxiety: and a bit of neuroscience, and a computer game.

So, it’s been a while since I last wrote, thankfully because work has been busier. Here is a little anecdote from my life that might be helpful if you’re ruminating instead of sleeping.

I speak with my clients all the time about staying up all night worrying about life. While the root cause of this anxiety is best explored at depth, there are also many top down approaches to this entrenched habit. I also have a personal case study to share that might help illustrate the benefits of these techniques.

I spent this last weekend doing DIY, insulating the roof of our bathroom. By yesterday evening I was really worn out and I had hit a snag that required some thinking and learning, and I realised that I have made some mistakes that need undoing. I went to the internet and started watching videos, and then realised that I was feeling really desperate, and overwhelmed by the puzzle that lay ahead of me. I knew that I would fuss and fret about this and that it would ruin my sleep. More importantly, I know that when I am tired I tend to despair and that I cannot solve problems very well.

Sleep and Learning

I know a bit about neuroscience, and I know that when I sleep my brain spends some time rewiring in order to integrate the learning of the day. Sometimes this can result in the solution to a problem becoming much more obvious in the morning. A good example of this is when I play Sekiro. Sekiro is a very hard computer game that requires well developed reflexes in order to respond to what the game throws at you. It is frequently remarked by gamers online that if you cannot beat a boss one day then it is best to leave the game alone until you have slept. Often one can beat the boss on the first try the next day now that your brain has had time to integrate all of the information you gave it the day before.

Knowing this has made it much easier for me to accept these kinds of repeated losses. Rather than being failures they are priming my brain and body with the experiences required for my eventual success.

Diversion and Repetition

With this in mind I resolved not to think about my DIY problem until after I had meditated this morning. And this is where we get into diversion and repetition. Having a pleasant and relaxing diversion from your worry is a great place to start. I am reading a great novel, so I ran a bath and spent some time enjoying my book. It was a bit weird, because I was lying in the bath underneath the very ceiling I was trying to ignore, for now, but the book is damn good and the bubbles were fragrant, so I managed. Also, reading something relaxing, and having a bath are both classic primers for a good night’s sleep.

So then I went to bed, and lay there in the dark, thinking about the ceiling… But I knew this would happen, and this is where repetition comes in. One thing you quickly learn if you do any amount of regular meditation is that your mind will frequently wander, unless you have reached a state of deep absorption. This is very normal, and the best approach I have found to working with this is to gently and kindly and repeatedly bring my attention back to where I want it every time that I notice I was distracted. It’s a bit like playing Sekiro: every repetition is orienting my mind towards my chosen path, and when I sleep my brain works to incorporate and facilitate this orientation. It is like lifting weights in the gym so that your body responds by growing bigger or fitter muscles (or so I hear).

So I chose to do a body scan (the glorious, shining mainstay of Mindfulness Based Cognitive Therapy) while I lay in bed, starting with my left big toe. By the time I finished both legs I was really sleepy and I don’t think I got further than my belly button before I was out like a light. During that time my mind kept wandering to all kinds of things, but mostly the DIY, and every time I noticed my mind wandering I gently, kindly, encouragingly, and without judgement brought it back to my body.

When I woke up in the morning I sat on the sofa and focussed on my breathing. My morning sits are usually pretty unfocused, but they are a lovely chance to enjoy a stick of incense, bow to my fat laughing Bodhisattva, and to really enjoy my coffee. I had actually already woken up with a solution to my problem, and also feeling like I have the energy to tackle it. I hadn’t needed to consciously think about it. I’m not claiming that sleep is a magic solution machine, but having given myself time to properly rest really helped, and it would have helped me even if the solution didn’t arise overnight.

The Pain of Putting Thoughts Down

Another thing that I have noticed about meditation is how painful it can be to turn away from a compelling bit of worrying or rumination. It’s like my brain and my body are screaming at me to take notice, and I often feel this quite vividly in my chest. And I feel like this is where we have to know better than our anxious instincts. Find whatever encouraging thought that helps you to stick with the practice of resting. Know that your brain works better with sleep. Find your ideal diversion. For some people it is imagining a safe place in their mind, for others it might be a certain smell, texture or sound. Experiment and see what works for you.

It does require practice. And practice doesn’t have to be drudgery; it can be soft and encouraging and enjoyable. Gentle, persistent repetition is key. It gets easier, just like Sekiro.

All the best.

Will.